


But I Lost Them (Or They Lost Me)

by StorySnek



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Blood and Gore, Body Horror, Bugs & Insects, Canon-Atypical Worms (The Magnus Archives), Character Study, Gen, Magnus University AU, Vomiting, also jane uses she/they, thats RIGHT! these arent your ordinary worms (because theyre caterpillars), this version of jane is different! but i tried to keep the vibes from Hive intact
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29407023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StorySnek/pseuds/StorySnek
Summary: Jane Prentiss misses her time as a student at Magnus University. That time spent with her little coven, her dearest friends, them against the world... those were the happiest moments of her life. But that joy rotted away as all her friends turned against her, leaving her alone.Stuck in the past, she went back to work at the university after getting fired from her last job, but she couldn't have predicted how it would change her. For Dean Bouchard had taken interest in her, leading her to a different manifestation of her new god, letting her become a Nest.Now, Jane finally understands what it means to be loved, intimately and unconditionally. Knowing the truth of love and fear, she desires to spread that revelation to others.Jane also understands the hunger which gnaws away at her, and what she must consume to stay alive.Surely she can do both at once? Perhaps it's time to visit an old friend.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	But I Lost Them (Or They Lost Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Wanted to post something I wrote for this TMA University AU server I'm in! I play Jane, and this is supposed to be the first time she feeds. I was pretty proud of it, so I figure I'd put it here too!
> 
> This is also an excuse to plug the server! It's been very fun, and it's not too large, so characters are free! You can also play and OC as well, which I have also been having a lot of fun with! [Here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lS30PVCK_Sy4rth8roMs9Ax4n2yp108HoKBkz_Abu6U/edit) is the link to the character claim doc, more info on the AU, and the server if you're interested!
> 
> Anyways, Jane was getting to the point she needed to feed, and I was interested in the former friends she alludes to in Hive.  
> My drawing of this AU!Jane is (mild tryphophbia/insects) [here](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/761633295074459660/776116969601892352/capertiller.png) and a picrew I made for her friend is [here](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/760198323243319316/774465400326324234/image0.png)

How kind of Elias to give Jane the address. She hadn’t realized they needed it until her phone buzzed. She hadn’t seen her friends in ten years, she didn’t know where they went after university, nevermind where they were living now. So she needed an address, which Elias was happy to provide. A little show of support for this first feeding... though Jane didn’t like to think of it as just ‘feeding’. It was true, they had realized they needed the fear to survive, but this was about so much _more_ . Jane had discovered a profound truth about the universe, and she wanted to share it with the people that she loved (that she _used_ to love, before they all abandoned her). 

Elias had given her a few addresses, letting her take her pick, but Jane knew she had to choose something within walking distance. Being in the tube, enclosed in that tight space with all those people, those homes just waiting to be burrowed into, they’d be unable to help themselves. They were starving, the hunger clawed at them, and it was making them desperate. The occasional sharp pain stabbed at Jane’s organs like needles, and she knew that the insects were taking tentative bites of her flesh; anything to tide themselves over. She’d dreamed about the sensation before, it was achingly familiar to her. Still, she understood that, unlike the dream, she wouldn’t be revived if they ate her down to the bone. If they couldn’t find fear, they weren’t worth the energy needed to mend them back together. It was understandable, and though the idea upset her, she wasn’t mad at her god, her Corruption. They wanted to do right by It, and they would, if It just gave her a little more time. Because she finally realized the answer was fear, and she was more than prepared to gather it for herself and her dear patron.

Of all the addresses, her friend Sara was closest to the school. Jane searched on her phone as she walked across the quad, finding that Sara owned a pleasant house in a quiet neighborhood. It was odd to see that she had settled down in such a mundane place, it wasn’t what Jane expected at all. She remembered her friend fondly, a passionate rebel whose personality was as vibrant as her bright blue hair. Sara was steadfast and determined, always standing up for her friends and for the things she believed in. Jane had idolized her all through university, until fights started breaking out, until everyone left her. Still, it had been so long since then; Jane couldn’t even remember why they got so upset at her. She was sure that Sara didn’t remember either. Besides, who _cared_ about such trivial human problems? What Jane knew, what Jane _was_ , it was far much more important. Surely Sara would understand once Jane showed her the truth. 

Fortunately the early Winter chill was keeping people home, so Jane had an uneventful walk to Sara’s house. The few pedestrians she passed were tempting… it took a lot of willpower not to approach them and drag them into an alley like a monster. That wasn’t who Jane was, nor what they were doing. This was about enlightenment, not carnage. Jane held fast (or as fast as her shaking legs would allow), and continued the slow hike to the address.  
It really was a cute little house, with flowers lining the front, a small but well manicured lawn, even a welcome mat. Jane had to double-check the address; this didn’t seem like the sort of place her friend would live. It was too… normal. Elias could have tricked her _again_ , though Jane couldn’t do much if that was true. The thought of hiking back to the school still starving was very unappealing. The bites had increased in frequency the longer she walked, and she wasn’t sure that they could hold back much longer. Whoever was inside that house, Sara or not, it didn’t matter. They would show their love regardless.

Jane knocked on the door, quietly nudging one inquisitive little bug back into her sleeve. She wasn’t intending to show Sara by force; all she needed to do was tell her friend what she had learned. Besides… it had been so long, she genuinely craved a conversation. There was a moment of tense silence, but before Jane could tentatively reach forward to knock again, the door was cracked open.  
The woman at the door stared at Jane in stony silence, face pulled into a look of confusion and mild discomfort. Jane hadn’t had time to put makeup over her scratches, and while they healed quickly right after she’d become a Nest, they currently refused to fade. Jane didn’t care, letting Sara’s disgust wash over her. It wasn’t quite fear, but it was still refreshing to a being like her, bound to the wretched and the rotten. Like a sample of what was to come. Jane barely noticed the feeling, they were too busy staring at their friend, comparing her to the image they had in their head. Her hair had faded to its natural blond, cut short around her shoulders, framing sleek new glasses. She had changed her jacket, filled with pins and patches and her own embroidery, for a cute little blouse. She was so… _different_ , and for a moment Jane thought Elias had tricked her, that this wasn’t her friend, until she noticed the astrological tattoo barely peeking out of the edge of her shirt. Jane had been with her when she’d gotten that. It really was her dear friend… though she was almost unrecognizable now. Jane wondered if Sara felt the same about her.

“Can I… help you?” Sara asked, and Jane relaxed when she heard her voice. At least that was no different. Though her tone sounded… wary.

“Sara… it’s me, don’t you remember?” Jane asked quietly.

The woman stared at Jane, her fingers tight around the edge of the door. Once again there was silence.

“... _Prentiss_?” Sara’s voice wasn’t pleasantly surprised as Jane had hoped. She was shocked, perhaps, but this encounter seemed less than pleasant.

“What... are you _doing_ here? No, better question, how do you have my address?”

_‘My boss gave it to me, he’s actually a powerful demigod of sight and knowledge, with eyes everywhere. He’s probably watching us right now.’_ Jane thinks this, but says nothing, thinking of a more… believable lie. Michael would tell them that everything is a lie, so they can say anything they want. This advice isn’t very helpful right now.

“Bridgette gave it to me,” Jane answered, trying to smile convincingly.

Sara narrowed her eyes, thinking it over, before exhaling through grit teeth.

“Of _course_ . She was always... sympathetic. Why would she drag me into- whatever. It’s… fine. Back to my first question. _Why_ are you here?”

Sara’s discomfort was driving a nail into Jane’s heart with every word, dashing her dreams of a joyous reunion. Still, she couldn’t give up. Her friend _would_ understand.

“I just want to talk, Sara. A lot of time has passed, and I know we ended things on a bad foot, but I wanted to make up. I miss you. Can’t we please just talk..?” 

Sara continued to watch Jane with a stoic expression, drowning the moment in silence once again. Then, after the longest minute of Jane’s life, she turned on her heel and went back into her house… leaving the door ajar. Jane hesitated on the threshold, unsure of what Sara wanted her to do, when her friend’s voice barked out from within the house.

“Just… come _inside,_ Prentiss, before I regret this. You’re letting the cold air in.”

Grinning with delight, Jane stepped into the house, gently closing the door behind them. She took a moment to survey the interior, which was just as clean, sleek, and _ordinary_ as the outside. Any evidence of Sara’s former loves: occultism, astrology, nature, anarchy, they had all been scrubbed away; turned into generic prints on the wall, photographs of her and some man Jane had never met. It was… unsettling. Sara had undergone some horrible metamorphosis into a person Jane had never known, and would’ve otherwise avoided.

Sara herself was sitting on her couch, tense and guarded as she watched Jane approach her. When Jane stood there awkwardly, Sara gestured at a nearby chair. It seemed less like she wanted Jane to get comfortable, and more that she didn’t want her towering overhead. Jane took the chair and sat opposite to her friend, lapsing back into silence. 

“Can you… make this quick?” Sara asked, staring just to the left of Jane. “I’m rather busy. Just go ahead and say what you’re here to say.”

“Ah—this is putting a lot of pressure—I wanted to make some small talk first… it’s been so long, I want to know how you’ve been.”

“I have a house,” Sara responded flatly, “I work at a graphic design firm, I’d say I’m rather successful. I have a fiance, we’re getting married soon. No complaints.”

“Ah…” Jane’s face fell to hear her confirm such a mundane life, the kind of existence Sara used to openly talk about hating. Jane was struck with a sense of pity, but that just made their mission all the more important; liberating Sara from the life she’d trapped herself in.

“That sounds… nice. I work at Magnus University actually-”

Jane was cut off by the sound of Sara’s laughter, a chuckle that she only made half an effort to hide.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“Hm? It’s just that… I’m not surprised. You were never very good at letting go of the past, so it makes sense that you’re still clinging on for dear life.”

“That’s not why I- but even if it was, what’s wrong with missing the past? We used to be close, Sara. We were _happy_.”

Sara wasn’t laughing anymore, her face turning back to a stoic frown, with just the faintest hint of anger simmering underneath.

“It’s _wrong_ because those days weren’t as happy as you claim they were. You were living in a different world, Prentiss, and you couldn’t see what you did to us.”

Jane’s fingers curled against her knees, and she took a shaky inhale as she felt the insects crawling across her arms. They wanted to be done with talking, but Jane needed to _know_. Maybe it was spending so long in his university, his domain, that made her so curious. She just needed to know.

“What did I do, Sara? I still don’t understand. I tried, I only ever tried to be the best friend possible, and I don’t get why you all turned on me!”

Sara’s look twisted between disbelief and that same growing frustration.

“You still don’t… ten years, and you still don’t have enough self-awareness… Hah… I don’t know what I was expecting, honestly.”

“You said I was toxic.”  
  
“Okay, _Jane_ , let me break this down for you,” Sara sighed. “You were clingy. All through school, ever since we met, you were clingy. You were always trying to get us to do things together, even when we had other plans. When we wouldn’t spend all our time with you, you would get upset, you would just cling harder, you were suffocating!”

“I was trying to help,” Jane retorted, digging her nails into her knees, “I wanted us to be closer.”

“Help? Is that why you got involved in our personal lives? Our _love lives?”_ Sara asked, working herself up the more she talked. “You tried to insert yourself into family drama and usually ended up making things worse! I got dumped by my boyfriend because you convinced him we wouldn’t work out!”

“You said you didn’t want to have a man control your life. You said you wanted to be free and single. I was doing what was best!”

“I said a lot of things, Jane! I was trying to be cool! I didn’t understand who I was, who I wanted to be, and you never even gave me the chance to try! Did you not trust us enough to let us decide for ourselves? Even if it meant making a mistake? Do you not get how that was hurting us!? What is _wrong_ with you!?”

Jane shrank as far back into her chair as she could manage, the words stabbing into her like shards of glass, bringing tears to her eyes.  
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, “I’m sorry.”  
  
Sara took a moment to think, a brief flicker of pity crossing her face, before she shook her head.

“No, I’m sorry Jane, because I don’t think I want to forgive you. I’ve… moved on. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I don’t think any of our old friends do. It’s best that you move on too. Just… get out of my house. I’m done talking.”

Jane found herself ready to do as she was told, to leave and never come back, before a wave of ravenous hunger washed over her again. Through the song, It spoke to her once more, in Its beautiful harmony.

**{Darling, do not falter at this human’s petty little words. You know how wonderful it is to hold the deepest fear and love as part of you. If she is so blind as to withhold her love from you, then you must show her. She will be afraid, but that fear will lead to renewal: hers, yours, Ours.}**

Jane nodded to herself, burying her nails into her palms. They had to try.

“I… Sara, look, there’s another reason I came here,” Jane started, speaking quicker now. “I’ve learned so much, the truth of this world, and I-”

“Prentiss. Just leave. If you’re about to tell me you found God, I am _not_ -”

“Well, not in the way that theology tends to think of gods, it’s closer to the way we used to worship, but it’s not quite-”

“I’m done with the witch stuff! I’ve grown past that… _nonsense_ . Just leave. I want you to leave _right now_ .” She spoke through grit teeth, pressing herself into the cushions, looking at Jane with a growing _disgust_.

“This is different,” Jane pressed, her voice growing desperate, “this is the truth, Sara. It’s the truth of fear, and the truth of love, and we can show you if you just-” Jane pushed herself off the chair, and Sara immediately scrambled for her phone, pressing herself against the back of the couch and holding the device out like a shield.

“I don’t want to hear it! Get the hell out of my house or I swear to god I will call the cops! GO! LEAVE! NOW!”

Her finger hit the 9 button, and the tone rang out through the house, followed by a moment of silence, of stillness, broken only by the song in Jane’s mind.

**{Show her.}**

Then Jane lunged forward, grabbing Sara’s wrists. Sara screamed in response, and the sound of it mixed into the song as a glorious new harmony. Jane felt the fear flow through them, soothing their hunger, cleansing their pain, empowering them. Her grip, once weak and frail, grew stronger, fingers burying into Sara’s wrists until the woman dropped her phone with a clatter. 

“Oh god. Jane. It’s- it’s fine. We can be friends we can- please don’t hurt me,” Sara stammered, her jaw trembling as she stared into Jane’s eyes. Her eyes… Sara wasn’t looking closely before, but she could see that Jane’s eyes were too wide, her pupils split into a heart shape, gently pulsing in her iris.

“It’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid,” Jane cooed, though her voice was shaking too. She could see her reflection in Sara’s own eyes, how crazed she looked, nearly _monstrous_ . But that wasn’t true. They were Jane… they were just, a better Jane. Their appearance was only worrying to those who didn’t _understand_. Besides… it was fine that Sara was afraid of them.

“Fear and love… they’re very similar. Stomach knotting, blood pumping, heart racing. Can you… really tell which one it is?”

Sara’s body trembled so softly in her grasp, and part of Jane was heartbroken to see her friend in such distress.

“I… I… You’re scaring me. Please. Please. You’re scaring me,” Sara whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek.

Jane faltered for a moment, her grip loosening, forcing the song to fade. This wasn’t _right_ , she shouldn’t be here, she could find someone else to hurt, or if this is what it took for something like her to survive…

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knee slamming into her stomach. Sara frantically went for another hit, and then another, trying to wrench her wrists away from Jane’s grasp. They doubled over, feeling the squirming in their stomach get stronger with every blow, before it started crawling up her throat. With a violent retching sound, Jane coughed up half a dozen large black caterpillars, feeling them crawl out of her mouth to settle on her cheeks, her forehead, her neck. The insects’ heads all craned to look at Sara, who shrieked with absolute terror at the horrifying spectacle. The sound of it strengthened the melody once more; the music swelled until it was pressing on the inside of Jane’s skull, crushing every other sensation except _hunger._

Her nails pressed deeper into Sara’s wrists until they broke skin, and the crawling moved up Jane’s arms as her old friend struggled; all in vain. For the caterpillars were determined to find new flesh to curl in, new fear to consume, so they broke through Jane’s arms and crawled across her hands, digging into Sara’s skin as she shrieked until her throat was raw. Jane held on until it was over, her mind elsewhere, suspended in the beautiful music. It was okay. Sara’s voice would join her soon, and they would sing in harmony.

Then it was over, and Jane drew back, watching Sara expectantly. Perhaps she would pass out, like Jane had. She would pass out, and wake up with a fever. She would have the most terrible, _wonderful_ dreams. Then, when the fever broke, Jane would be there. They would explain everything to their friend, explain her wonderful new existence, the deepest love she had found, that she held within herself. Jane was so _happy_ , and even if Sara was afraid right now, one day she would be happy too.

“Everything’s going to be alright,” Jane reassured with a smile.

Curled up into a ball on the couch, her skin squirming as she let out an agonized hiss, Sara looked up at Jane with nothing but terror in her big, blue eyes. She opened her mouth as if to speak… and then a stream of blood poured from her lips, as the squirming inside her turned frenzied.

One final scream joined the melody. _Fermata. Fortissimo. Cadenza._

…………

……

…

Jane was eighteen, allegedly an adult, though she didn’t feel like one. She had signed up for a school trip, a hike along a nearby woodland trail. Her first month of school had yielded no friends, so nature remained her only real companion. 

The hike was beautiful, the trees had become a blaze of warm foliage, flickering like a wildfire in the cool breeze. Jane had been trying to take as many pictures as possible, to preserve the happy memory for her darkest moments. Her collection was wonderful, but later in the hike she spotted the most promising picture yet, a Monarch butterfly perching on a leaf almost as orange as itself. All the other Monarchs should have migrated by now… Jane felt bad for the little creature, but it was alright. She would take the most wonderful picture and love it forever.

She inched forward along the path, which wound along the edge of a steep hill. Her feet were at the very end, but she needed to get a proper shot, it had to be _beautiful_. Concentrating on her camera, Jane took one more step forward… into empty air. With a shout she tumbled down the hill, rolling to a stop halfway down, her ankle thoroughly twisted by the fall. There she lay in silence, the sun glaring down as she watched her schoolmates vanish around the hill, leaving her behind. 

She understood the butterfly more than ever, but even it had left her. 

With nothing else to do, Jane held her broken camera to her chest and sobbed, wondering whether she’d die of thirst before being eaten by coyotes.

After fifteen minutes of crying, Jane felt the sun’s heat suddenly falter, as a presence stood next to her.

“Oh god, are you okay?” 

There was a girl kneeling down next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. Her coke-bottle glasses glinted in the sunlight, and her blue-streaked hair wavered slightly in the breeze.

“I fell…” Jane muttered between sobs of relief.

“Well, I can see that. I noticed you were missing, so I retraced our path, and here you are. Name’s Sara, by the way. Do you need help walking?”

“Yeah…”

Sara helped her up, slinging Jane’s arm around her shoulder, and flashing her a nervous grin.

“I’m sorry your camera broke. I like photography too. Do you want to see my photos when we get back? After you get your leg fixed?”

“Yeah, yeah I’d really…” Jane began, before she was cut off by a fresh wave of tears.

“Hey, hey it’s okay,” Sara consoled her, gently brushing Jane’s tears away. The two started walking back up the hill, and Jane reached out to take Sara’s hand in her own, which the other girl allowed, leaning her head against Jane’s in return.

“Everything’s going to be alright.”

…………

……

…

There was blood everywhere. It stained the couch, the floor, the walls. It had turned Jane’s grey coat as red as her shirt. The room reeked of salt and iron. It stuck to Jane’s skin. Every single sense was stained with it.

Sara was a pile of viscera, a scattershot of gore that writhed with caterpillars, their red spots indiscernible from the blood flecked across them.

Before Jane could even begin to process the scene, her body shook as more insects gnawed their way out of her skin, streaming onto their meal. The force of it sent Jane crashing to her knees, though she didn’t make a sound. Even if she did, it would be drowned out by the song. Jane could still feel Sara’s abject terror, the fear that her friend had come to kill her, the fear that her friend’s a monster, that monsters exist, that something’s inside her, that it’s eating her, hurting her, killing her, she’s going to die, she’s going to die, oh god, _oh god it hurts. IT HURTS._ **_IT HURTS._ **

Jane could feel that fear feeding her. That horrible gnawing hunger, that aching weakness, the _rot_ , it was all going away. It was being replaced with the most blissful sensation, as though they’d tasted the nectar of the gods. Jane spent a few moments suspended in blood-soaked euphoria, transcending this world, reaching out towards the space beyond, to Filth, The Crawling Rot, The Corruption, and beyond Its silly, _stupid_ names.

They had proven their worth. They had fed their god. It was _proud_ of them.

Jane could not stand until she felt the caterpillars crawl back up to her, reentering her body, nestling in her muscles and coiling in her bones. There were new ones growing strong at the pit of her. More pieces to love, and to love her in return. When they were all back in their place, it was only then that she had the strength to pull herself to her feet. She idly wondered if her muscles had suffered too much damage without them. This was a small price to pay. They were one being, after all. It would be like getting upset at your bones for taking up space where more sinew could be.

It was a shame about Sara, truly. Jane really thought she could understand, but in the end she chose to reject their love. She could only understand fear as fear, and thus fear was all she could become. Jane took one of Sara’s reusable grocery bags and put any remaining scraps inside. She would bury them somewhere, in the dead of night. Perhaps she would even hold a vigil.

They were unsure if they should clean up all the blood, or how they’d even do so, but… that didn’t need to be her problem. After all, they had a deal. As long as they helped him, he would help them. Surely this wouldn’t be too much of an issue. He probably saw this outcome in the first place.

When Jane thought about Elias, it was then she finally heard the gentle whirring beneath the song, a grating noise that intruded into its melody. They slipped a hand into their pocket… to find a tape recorder, not a speck of blood on its pristine surface.

Jane couldn't help but laugh, clutching the machine in a trembling hand.

“Hope you enjoyed the show. I’m sure our boss will do the same.”

Opening her hand, Jane lets the machine drop her fingers, and before it hits the floor it vanishes out of sight, plunging the world into _silence._


End file.
